(This is a mind dump that I’d normally send to /dev/null, nothing logical and relevant here.)

Today was my 24th birthday and it’s been a little over a year I moved to USA. Many things happened in 2013. I lost some weight, got new hobbies, met new people, had fun moments with them, started living more healthily. I am now living alone, moved from Bellevue to Seattle, WA. I now live in hipster capitol of the Northwest, Capitol Hill neighborhood. These are all good things I praise.

Last year I wrote a letter to myself. I probably can’t tell things are going well as I expected. I don’t feel like I achieved anything worth mentioning meanwhile and I have way too many questions about my happiness and what I should strive for.

Fortunately, I made great mistakes with some bad sequences in 2013. There was some a learning in all of them, some I will apply, and some I probably won’t. I don’t know how can I measure progress I aimed for, but I have a fact, after so many years, still hurts me deeply:

I am truly a disappointment for 18 year old me. Maybe 20 year old me would understand what is changing, however, clearly 24 year old me is clueless about what the fuck is going on.

Looking at the dreams I had a few years back, I can tell I have astonishingly failed to fulfill any of it. Maybe I was not uncomfortable enough. Now I know I seriously recognize some inauthenticity in myself. I feel like I turned into a lazyfuck with hopes. Am I waiting for a wake up call? Probably not.

Dear 18-year old me: Sorry dude. I was thinking my job would be just like what I imagined. I thought I will probably influence things, use my brainz to do some good. But I’ve never had the chance, was I not a good fit or was it the scene not for me or was it me not believing I can’t do any good? I don’t know. I guess I was dreaming too much about it and I had no idea about how the reality will look like.

I managed to have the biggest burnout I will ever have in my career in my first year. I am not sure if it was because I didn’t take any time off in a year or things I saw here seemed really odd to me? I can’t tell anymore. I am hoping there are better things waiting for me. Because I let 18-year old me down. Time passed just made me hate myself more. I don’t know how to compansate, yet.

There are many mysteries of life yet unrevealed to me. Some are really humane ones, maybe that’s why they look repelling to me. I am not sure about so many things, severity my lack of understanding things is just astonishing. For example, it has been over 15 months since I have been to Turkey, I am not sure if I must feel bad about it. Here’s another: I almost never call my old friends, but they are still my friends, should I feel bad? I don’t know. Questions like will I ever love again, why am I where, what am I doing are just irrationally mysterious at the moment. Okay let’s cut that shit before it gets really weird.

I had fun, but it was not helping much to my disappointment at all. But I am learning. Fighting the very myself, well, at least some days. I know good things will come and I will let readers of this blog know as they happen.

I have a children’s book called Oh, The Places You’ll Go! of Dr. Seuss which I think you all should read, and it has a passage goes on like this, which will be my final thoughts.

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winningest winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t. I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you. All Alone! Whether you like it or not, alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.